Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Repurposing Santa

All the other kids are blogging about Christmas; heartfelt posts about the power of gifts; snarky ones about cookie exchanges and white elephant gifts (whatever the hell those are); poignant ones about memories of Christmases long, long ago; magical shelves full elves and battery illuminated candles (if it ain't burning, it ain't a candle); traditions secular and  nonsecular, drunken and sober; being alone or being with family, which is worse; oh, and Santa.

Christmas is, by it's very nature, you know, anticipating and celebrating a Savior's birth and all that, a showy holiday.  All those carols and traditions and gifts and lights and shows... and  Santa.

Basically if you have kids you are forced to perpetrate two, and here I am going to get in trouble, difficult to explain and possibly antithetical... myths, lies, stories uh, imaginings.  I have many very Faithful readers and I don't want to get into any theological stuff here... suffice to say when a kid asks if Santa was Jesus' dad, you're in trouble.

Okay, in the interest on focusing on the story that serves as a better reminder of our humility; the story that ends in redemption; the story that is about love and justice; I think we should repurpose Santa.


I've given it some thought and I don't think Thanksgiving is a good fit for Santa, although turkeys down chimneys and the first sightings of Santa by Pilgrims is tempting.  The Fourth of July already has Uncle Sam, that's cool, he's underrated, and Santa would get mighty hot in that fur suit in the middle of Summer.

I gotta admit I like him for Arbor Day; he's cheery, outdoorsy, robust, but I don't know if you can die ermine green.  Veterans' Day is also a temptation.  We could add some blue to his jumpsuit, sort of militarize his look... no.

Easter is already owned by that domineering Easter Bunny and in a throwdown I don't think old Kris would have a snowball's chance in hell, although that would be an epic battle, the story of which could be told through the ages.

That leaves... Halloween.  Think about...  I know, it's a perfect fit.  He's creepy, always in costume, gregarious, creepy and mysterious.  He'd probably gladly go around just giving candy I'd bet.  After all these years of 'naughty and nice' lists, perfect gifts and impossibly high expectations, he'd probably love throwing Smarties and Twizzlers down chimneys.  Hell, we could make up some sort of nonsense about the reindeer being so wonderful they poop Snickers bars and instead of cookies we could leave the old guy something he really wants, like apples and sausages.

I am willing to create a whole new mythology around him.  I figure Elves could make candy, right.  I mean they're already indentured servants, what do they care what they make.  Actually, they would probably love it - candy-making is fun and, a little dangerous. 

I don't think we'd have to relocate him, he'd need a place to store the candy and the North Pole is a great natural refrigerator.  We could give him solar panels and wind units and say how green and wonderfully kind to the earth he is.

I guess we'd have to sort of make him scarier, but, he already knows what we are thinking, sneaks into homes and smokes for goodness sake, he's already pretty creepers.

Or we could force him into retirement, call him a CEO or something, put him in charge of shipping or manufacturing, and let this guy take over:

I know, you're right, he's not as creepy as Santa.

Maybe, and I'm just thinkin' out loud here, maybe, he could replace the Tooth Fairy...

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