Friday, October 31, 2014

Patronum Interruptus

I don't really care for Halloween.  There, I've said it.  I don't care for a lot of holidays.  In fact, the only one that really passes full muster in my opinion is Thanksgiving.  I've been wondering about that, what makes me so distanced from so many perfectly legitimate holidays, even the actual Holy Days.  Now, especially, as I see more and more how intrinsically twined are the childhoods of parents and kids.

My memories of holidays as a kid are all pretty swell and I ...

Wait.  What?  "... intrinsically twined ..."  That doesn't even make sense ...

(Shut up.)  As I was saying, I liked holidays as a kid.  My mom was always very enthusiastic about them, the presents were great, the eggs were well-dyed, the costumes clever; the pies and hams and potato salad and turkeys and green cakes, all delicious; the church services were touching and crowded and somehow unforgettable.  My aversion to holidays come from somewhere else, my guess is ...

... from all those years working in the restaurant business.  It was always busy on those days, stressful and you hated it.  That's sort of stupid and, well, dull.

It is not dull and I planned on telling it a little more elegantly than that - you know, citing examples and weaving in the sadness and melancholy certain days seem to bring along in their coat pockets.

What?  "... coat pockets..."  You're definitely not making sense.

Are you going to stick around or what?  Because, this always gets very confusing for the readers and it irritates the shit out of me.

What readers?

Not funny ...

Yeah, actually it was funny, and, yes, I am sticking around.

Oh, goody.  Well, I suppose, I should introduce you.  This folks is an italicized literary device, an alter-ego - an invention, I might add - which interrupts me now and again and again and again...

Oooh, look at you at you gettin' all clever with the linkity-links...

I am simply trying to give you some context.

Shut up.  It is just a desperate little attempt at getting your "readers" to look at a few back posts.  It's pedestrian, cheap.

No, it's not.  It is a legitimate thing, people do it all the time.  And, don't do the air quotes thing around the word "readers."

And, you always hate it when people put a bunch of links to past posts in their pieces.

Well, yes, but that's because I usually have seen the post someone links to, and a lot of folks have it open in the same window as the blog I am reading and then I look at it and see something else and go down the rabbit hole and forget what I was doing in the first place.

That's because you are an idiot.

Can we just move on?  Why are you interrupting me today?

Because you aren't doing what you said you were going to do.

Yes, I am. 

Really?  There's a plan?  Because, you said, or thought, or, uh, however you'd say that ...

Go on...

... you said you wanted to try something different, today, something ethereal and, I think you used the word 'wispy.'

Yes, I am getting to that.

Dude, you don't "get" to that, you start from that.  And, you are certainly not going to "get" to that in this first person, self-indulgent, tripe of a voice you always use.

Well, that's not very nice.

No, I don't suppose it was.


I'm sorry.  So, tell me what do you have planned.  Do you have some images?  Some stories?  Some deep and meaningful prose?  What?

Stop badgering me.

Don't be so touchy.  Go ahead, tell us all what you have planned.

Well, I thought I'd start with this drawing of a greenish sunset Zack drew:

 I like it a lot and he used a lot of different colors.  I thought I might talk about the fact that he still likes crayons and how I am glad about that and ...

Uh ... you, um, have it ...

Stop interrupting, you asked me what I was planning to do and ...

... upside down.  It looks like a green alien in a golden spaceship flying at light speeds.


Not your wispiest moment, dude.  So, a sunset and a few words about crayons, that is deepI can't what to see what's next.

Well, if you must know, I was going to show a picture of the pumpkins the boys made this year and I thought I wouldn't say whose was whose, you know, leave it to time and maybe someday they might have fun trying to figure it out.  I thought it might be fun for the readers, too.

What readers?

You know what?  Screw you.

I'm sorry.  That was uncalled for and rude.  Go ahead.


You didn't even take the picture yet, did you?

Well, I am going to ...  I just haven't had a chance to and then you interrupted and, well, I, uh ...

Go ahead, go take it, but you've got our attention right now, do you really think we are going to wait?  Go...

It'll just take a sec.

It's about time, dude.  Where've you been?

Sorry, the shed door was open and I had to go shut it 'cause the wind was picking up and that got me thinking about the lawn and the leaves and that made me think of getting gas for the mower and my trunk and that made me hungry so I ate a peanut butter English muffin.

Did you by any chance take the picture we've been waiting to see?

Yes, like eight of them.

One will do...


That's Zack's on the left and Nick's on the right.

You said you weren't going to say, remember, "whose is whose" and it might be fun for the readers and all...

What readers?


Finally, back to what I have planned for today, I am going to come full round to not liking Halloween again and say that it is important for me to remember that the boys do.  Perhaps I should be aware of that and not be so vocal about not liking it.  You know...

And that's what you had planned today?


It's not what you decided to do when you realized it was Halloween and all the other kids do Halloween posts and you have in the past and you probably should?

Well, maybe that, too.

What about what you were going to do?  I mean really.  You spent all week thinking about it and you've done the outline and the research, the images are ready, why don't you just do that?

The country-road-memory-lane thing?

Yes.  Why aren't you doing that?

I dunno...

Yes, you do.

Because it's going to be hard to do - you, know - hard to write and that future perfect tense is hard to sustain and, well, it will make me cry.  And, it would take a lot of time and energy.  And, it will make me cry.  Anyway, you interrupted and it's too late to start on it now.

To be clear, you conjured me up from the twisted depths of your imagination, on purpose, I might add, just to avoid a little heartache and handful of bittersweet memoriesOh, and I saw that link you slipped in there.

I didn't conjure you up, you cold-ass busted up the whole thing.  Who knows, if you hadn't come storming in here I might have that whole piece done and be sitting here weeping on the keyboard right now... Oh, that's probably your point, isn't it?

If my point is sometimes you avoid the hard stuff, the painful stuff, then yes.  That's my point.

Okay, so what would you have done today if you, say, didn't want to get all emotional telling a story that might break your heart a little and, also, suddenly realized it was Halloween?

I'd have gone with the pumpkin thing, not saying which was which boys (totally avoiding the awkward "whose was whose" syntax you chose) and then perhaps a simple haiku and an image teasing the post I will write soon ...

See, it's not so easy is it?  What, wait ...  that's a pretty good idea.  Hey, you just linked up your last haiku, didn't you?  Whoa, I didn't say you could do it...

Gravel tar and trucks
A golden lane of mem'ry
Perfect childhood still

What I would not do is finish with some folksy thank you and one of those silly aphorisms you insist on ending on.

Like that preposition on which you are now squatting.

Oh, just be done with this already, it's getting long and there is no time for ...

From Marci's "... things you don't expect to hear from the backseat ..."

"Use your smarty-pants-ness!"

I can go with that...

... that.

Thanks for coming around and please, excuse my patronum interruptus there ...


... I am working on a piece that is difficult and emotional.  I did plan on doing it today.  I did then realize it was Halloween.   And then dude interrupted.

Y'all come back now.

Oh, for God's sake that is the most hack-kneed, stupid phrase ever ...

Race you to the publish key.

Well, that's not fair you're already closest and ...


  1. Don't ever change. You crack me up. :)

  2. Holy crap. I started reading the first couple lines of your first paragraph, and had to check real quick to make sure I wasn't reading my own blog.

    I'm sure my antipathy for Holidays is for different reasons than yours . . . but it remains that it's a true challenge to engage with a day that is such a special thing for kids when your own feelings diverge so markedly. Most of my family just thinks of me as an old grouch, now. Even though I'm not that old.