Friday, December 20, 2013


It's so cute when you try to be trendy and hip with references and stuff, like in this post title.

Did you hear something?  Oh, well...  I need to start a Christmas post but, I've got too much for one post and not enough time to write two and there is some other stuff I want to tell you about and ...

Well, you shouldn't have been so hellbent on that "spoken word" thing you did last time,  it was cute and all, but, dude, it took you, like, six hours to figure it all out.

You!?  I don't remember calling a staff meeting.  Anyway, I'm proud of the way I did all that and finally got it to do what I wanted it to do... with, well, some help, you know, from the dad bloggers group?

Yes and you fiddle-f***ed around there for a couple hours, reading "other" blogs and just generally wasting time.

I know, but, I think it's important to read other blogs, consider what everyone else is doing, be supportive, courteous... it's fun.



That's crap and you know it.  You just didn't want to put your head down and do some work.

I lit the candle, dammit!

Yes, you did light your precious "focus candle" whoopee, but you didn't get much else done.  How on earth could it have taken you so long to download one recording to SoundCloud and upload that to your blog?  It's child's play.

I was "thinking", you'll never get that.  Thinking takes time.  Anyway, if the candle was lit then I wrote a legitimate post, that's, like, a rule.

No it's not!

Is now. 

So I suppose just because the candle is lit now you can justify this twaddle a post as well.

I might... in fact, it's damn fine idea, I'm glad I thought of it.

I thought of it!

You am I... are me.  I am you, no, that's doesn't work.. You are I.  Right, well, perfect.  So we all agree it was my idea to go on with this post in this format.

It's a shitty idea.

You came up with it!

No, just up there you used perfect logic to steal the idea for yourself.  What do you have so far?  Tell me there is more than, just, well... this?

Yes, uh, yes, there is... I have these:

It's The Three Wise Men - Nimis Gr... 

Really?  You capitalize them... doesn't look right.

I don't know, you google it.  Anyway, we'll try it your way, the three wise men; Nimis Grotus hin, Whitestorm and the orange one.  That's funny, right?  You know, a little joke on the curious names of the three kings, uh, I think it's, uh ... 

Just a sec, folks, he has to google it ...

You don't have to tell them that, jeez.  Here it is...  Gaspar, Balthasar, and Melchior. I think it's funny, it says here that they aren't really named in the bible, only their gifts are.  Oh, it says that each gift symbolizes and foretells an event in the life of Jesus and...

We all know that.  It's a wonder you ever mange to get anything written.  Okay, it's a cute idea, but...

But what?  It's Christmas and here are adorable little misnamed wisemen, what could be wrong with this? 

Well, it would be great for Epiphany, but that's not for another, uh...

Now, who's looking shit up?

... not until January sixth.  You should use it then.

Look, your right but, it's a technicality, we'll let it slide.

Well, that's your choice but, if it were up to me, I'd just wait. 

Fine, we'll agree to disagree.

I'd never agree to that!

I already uploaded them, they are going to stay.  I'll link it up again on the actual day if that's what you want.

Alright, sorry, fine.  Uh, anything else?

Yes, yes.  Maybe something less secular?

You never get that word right, secular, it means not religious, you understandI'm just trying to help.

You.  Are. Not.  Helping. 

You're not actually going to leave that that way - word, period, word, period, word period.  Dude, that's lame.

Shut up! Would you like to see something more? 

I would, something in a creepy elf, maybe.  All the cool bloggers are blogging about that, what's it called, that "elf on shelf" thingee, you could actually make yourself seem relevant or, God forbid, hip.

I am too hip... no, no I'm not.  Creepy elves I got:

I like that first one, the one on the left...

Do you mean the one on top, Nick's?

They should be side-by-side...

You know I have a lot of trouble doing that here on this Blogger thingee.

Okay, it's just that it all gets very linear when you just list all the images in a row.  I am just sayin'...

See! Now it's all messed up and the bus will be here soon and I have a couple more things I wanted to say and...

 So, uh, Zack's, over there on the right, well his looks more like a misguided cookie, like in that story, uh ...

"The Gingerbread Boy", that book that freaked Nick out in kindergarten.  He does sort of look like him, has sort of that same deranged persona thing going on.  Now, dammit, you've got me off track.  I think they are fine creepy elves, although, actually Nick's, at the top...

...and left...

... seems pretty happy in his finely curled hat and fine finery and all. 

What?  That doesn't even make sense.

How about this, we just call them Christmas elves and move on?

 Well, that's not nearly as funny as "creepy elves."  Which, as we have determined neither is, well, either.

Shut up!  And I'm not gonna cross that one out.

Surely you have something else, something, perhaps, well,  interesting, for instance.

All right... Yes, I have these two images, and they are just right:

A creepy Christmas Nutcracker and a Santa scene drawn on a dreidel?  Yeah, boy, that's the perfect ending for this post.

I thought you liked creepy!?  And it's not a dreidel, it's a, uh, it's, an, uh, whimsical cutout, no, no , I know...  it's an ornament.

I think you should probably call it a day, all these ideas, well, they are sort of falling short, and, as you said the bus will be here soon and...

Wait, I haven't even gotten to the Pièce de résistance, the...

Who says that...?

I do, stop interrupting.  I've got the lists the boys made for Santa, and I know we can agree on those, they are adorable. 

I'm not so sure...

Nick's is on the left and Zack's is on the right:



Just don't.  Please... 

But, it's what I've been going towards this whole time, I mean this whole device was to disguise and deflect the unexpected beauty of those lists, to lessen the impact.  I mean, seriously, it's gonna be the best part. 

You're saying I'm just a device...

Well, it's just that, I mean, it's only been a couple of times, and, uh... you're a good device, a great device really, but...

Dude, I was just kidding. 

Why shouldn't I use the lists, then?  What's your angle?

Listen carefully - those lists and what you will find in your heart to say about them are important and sacred enough to stand alone.  One story at a time, Bill, one story at a time...

Right, thanks, Bill.  Thanks, a lot.

What about a backseat thingee, lighten the mood.

Great idea, how about the one about the warriors. 

I thought you were going to use that for that backwards formatted piece you were thinking about.

Oh, right...

Just use the big list Marci just gave you yesterday, you are hopeless sometimes.


From Marci's "... things you don't expect to hear from the backseat ..." 

Don't press 'one' 'cause I have a boomerang in my mouth.

Now that is some good advice...

What about that other thing?

What other thing?

You know, that link to that post you wrote last Christmas.

Oh, that, well... I don't know, maybe tomorrow...

Do you not want to link it because it makes you hurt so deeply every time you think about it? 

Maybe.  Anyway, it makes you sob like a baby every time you read it.

And you don't thing sadness is a part of the season, a part of life.

Well, I understand that it is, but, well... no, I don't think I will.

I will then.  Last Christmas we wrote a piece called O Holy Night.  It was a follow-up to a piece called Chase Kowalski.  The pain and sadness of this tragedy has permanently pierced our collective heart and changed everything, forever.

I wish you wouldn't...

Do you really think anyone is still reading this at this point.  Give 'em more credit than that... Now, thank the nice people in that aw-shucksy-folksy style you think is so clever.

You know, I am so fed up with you right now I could just   You're right, you're right... Thanks for stopping by today folks, and I am sorry for the interruptions, he's sort of an ass...

Hey ...  Happy Christmas, Bill.

Happy Christmas, other-one-me...

Um, are you going to keep that post title?  It's not very good and it looks sort of stupid and...

Shut. Up.

Word, period, word, period.  Lame...

1 comment:

  1. Where can I get a print of the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Nutcracker Santa Soldier?

    "Do you really think anyone is still reading this at this point." I read that line twice. And mentioned it just now, so make that three. I'll click "Publish" here and then I'll even read it again just to make sure there aren't any typoos.