Friday, November 9, 2012


I follow other blogs, once you get into this you sort of have to.  I mostly read Mommy and Daddy blogs (it occurs to me that just calling them that practically negates their validity, maybe parent blogs would be better).  I sometimes get discouraged that there are so many people doing this and so few people reading this.

Now, mind you, there are blogs on everything under the sun and amongst the inexplicable madness of the blogarena are blogs about blogging.  Blogs that review blogs, blogs that explain how to get a blog started.  Blogs on how to make your blog a better blog.  Bloggity-bloggity-blog-blog.

One of the former offered these three essentials; be honest, remain true to your purpose and open yourself up.

I am honest here.  I decided that at the outset, I mean I might jigger a timeline here or there, perhaps change the names and, well, personalities of some of the ancillary characters.  Sometimes I might nuance a narrative to go where I want it to but, I keep it relatively true.  Yeah, I'll work on it...

Seriously though, I do remain true to my purpose which I so eloquently stated in this meandering post.  That is once I figured that out - about a month ago - before that I was trying to do another thing - which was different than what I started out with...  I'll work on that too.

Finally, open yourself up.  I can only guess that means make myself vulnerable.  Wait, I don't do that.  I was raised in the Midwest where stoicism and uptightedness meet in a silent, noble, unstable balance (in my opinion).

So, an honest, purposeful and touchy-feely post.  Ah, jeez, I dunno...  I'll try it.

I am in a funk.  It is easy sometimes for me to get down on myself.  I especially wrestle with feelings of inadequacy, specifically  the notion that I am not doing enough.  I do a lot, any parent does.  I serve the children well, I try to show my wife and the boys I love them, I honor my mom.  It just never seems like enough.  I wonder what I am doing wrong.

I anger too quickly; I cry too readily; I fear too often; I feel sorry for myself too easily.

I have no right to, none at all.

You might wonder what that has to do with ihopeiwinatoaster, and so might I.  My most recently stated purpose here, and I quote is:  "I blog to remember."  I need to remember these times, these, dare I say it, feelings.  I need to let the boys see, some day, that everything seems at times difficult or pointless or sad or just plain shitty.

I consider a post in my head for a while before I begin it here.  I make an occasional note like this one:

I jotted it down on some weird drawing by some weird kid. Down on the corner it says:  "Turn Around Bob I owe them more than this mood I'm in."  (It also says "problems that this way/challenge this that way" clearly not as inspired.)

And I do I owe them more than this mood I'm in.

Here is where it gets wonky.  Literally, just now, I went upstairs to get some coffee.  I wondered into the dining room as the brewer finished gurgling.  I saw something out of the corner of my eye.

Do you remember Bob from a couple posts back, The Elements of a Post?  Here he is again.

Bob had an unusual quest:

"Bob has to get out of the middle of the racetrack, swim across the pond cross over the racetrack again and exit through the green door of safety."

Now that you are up to speed, this is what I noticed, as the coffee pot gurgled away, in the "maybe-keep bin" crumpled up and in sorry shape:

It's Bob!  And he turned around.  And he is happy.

There's more.  On the reverse side of Happy Bob is this depiction of Bob practicing for his quest.  I believe those are circling piranha and, yes, I believe that is a limb flying through the air.  Oh, and Bob is Happy.

I'll tell you the truth here, I sort of felt sorry Bob when I thought he was faceless.  He seemed sad and unfulfilled and his quest seemed arduous and fraught with danger.  It turns out I underestimated Bob.

It turns out, that was Bob's back.

It would also seem that Bob is well-prepared for his quest.

I'll bet he is a knight.

You know what?  I am going to face some challenges in the future; challenges to my time and energy; challenges to my patience and tolerance; challenges to my faith and spirituality; challenges to my integrity and character.

You know what else?  We all are.

So, I am pulling a Turn-Around-Bob.

My boys do deserve more than this mood I am in.  They deserve the happy determination of Bob. They deserve his style of silliness.  They deserve his serenity.  They deserve bright buttons and red vests.  They deserve wide embraces and relentless joy.  They deserve his hope.

They deserve all that I can give them.

The Bob abides.

So there you go.  I was honest.  I served my purpose.  I opened up.

Tomorrow back to the nonsense, that I've got a handle on.

From Marci's '...things you don't expect to hear form the backseat...'

N: "I am a human spy. Zack thinks I am a dog spy, which is really obnoxious."
Z: "Then why are you barking?"
N: "I make imitations of things. I am. a. spy."

What part of 'spy' don't you get...?

1 comment:

  1. Loved this post. I relate to it because much of my writing is me thinking out loud and figuring things out.