Have I gone too far if I post this simple sentence I found on a sheet of notepaper Zack tossed in the trash? I mean, it was in the trash. Should I have not done that?
Perhaps I go to far when I mention how proud I was as I watched him figure out a word and a strategy to add it all up. The satisfaction I saw on his face, the joy it gave me... should I not speak of that? One of the words is disjointed, I find that particularly funny.
Should I avoid speaking of snuggles and kisses and squeezes and taps and smacks, pats and secret handshakes?
Sometimes, when Nick comes in with the dawn to tell me he is up, he lays his head on my chest, face down, a sort of face hug, I stoke his head trying to physically remember the shape of it. Maybe I can go with that, but... What if I mention two secrets I also know about the face hug? I know he inhales deeply as he presses against me. I have seen him do it with his favorite stuffed animals, and shirts, and a certain pillow that came from an ER room that smells of courage and pain and continuity. I also know that I did the same thing. The power of smells, the permanence of taste, has greatly influenced the way I see the world. Does that reveal too much?
Here is the hard truth: I think it might.
Tenderness and truth and love are of deep significance but speaking of them, remembering them, living them, leads to a vulnerability that should not be underestimated. I'm cool with that, I know I seem flaky and emotional and odd. But, should I expose the pure, simple vulnerabilities of these boys-who-will-be-men to the winds of the days to come?
Here's my plan. I want to tell more stories of my own childhood, but, I'll be telling their childhood through it. It is all one childhood. I've mentioned that before but it keeps just pounding me with its significance. The telling little details, the hurts and scrapes and brokenness, can be mine, but the story can be ours.
I'm working out the details.
It'll be a slow transition.
From Marci's "... things you don't expect to hear from the backseat ..."
"I am very good with vocabulary.
I can use all sorts of words.
I am just very bad at spelling."
(how very astoot of him)
That deserves some confetty...
Listen, things aren't really gonna change too much around here. Honestly, I wanted to remind myself to be careful here. I wanted you to hear it. Thanks for listening and, as always, thanks for coming around.